Tag: republicans

A Quick Rundown of the Crazy People Running for President

REPUBLICANS

Jeb Bush
jebthug
A man with his pedigree and record cannot be trusted.  Look at that snarl.  He’ll probably steal again!

John Kasich
kasichfruitninja
How can a person so good at Fruit Ninja find any time to govern effectively?  NEXT.

Ben Carson
carsonsqueeze
He might be the most intelligent Republican candidate, but if he can’t hold in a fart without making a face like that, diplomatic trips are going to be a non-starter.

Carly Fiorina
Carly Fiorina
I know that we’ve recently broadened our horizons when concerning who’s able to get into the oval office, but this is way too far.  Say what you want about a woman in the White House, but someone with a giant doppelganger twin?  This is too far.  That might come in handy in diplomacy, but the White House is NOT big enough for a failed businesswoman and her colossal clone!

Marco Rubio
rubiohuh
Old-guard Republicans are in love with him, but he looks more like an extra in a John Hughes movie.  Is this a face you can trust with the nation?  Or is it a face you can trust with helping the main character with a tricky relationship problem?  I think the answer is clear.

Ted Cruz
Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) Announces His Run For President At Liberty University
Cruz may be the leading alternative to front-runner Trump, but are we sure we can let this man kill again?  How could we let someone who feeds on the souls of the innocent into the White House?

Rand Paul
randsmoking
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life, it’s that people with hair that looks like that are either middle managers in retail, or the villain of an Adam Sandler movie.  May as well elect Christopher MacDonald to office.

Donald Trump
trump
Perfect.  You can’t beat the perfection that is Donald Trump…’s hair.  The hair is perfect, and would kill in the general election.  Too bad it’s attached to a despicable human being.

THE DEMOCRATS (thank Jebus there’s a lot less of them)

Hillary Clinton
hillarysecret
The idea of a Hillary presidency has long been a goal of the Democratic party, but honestly, we can’t elect someone to a third term.  Seems unfair.

Bernie Sanders

Bernie Sanders
Aw, grandpa woke up after falling asleep watching Gilligan’s Island reruns.  Can you go get him some hot cocoa and a blanket?  And tell him to stop sleeping on the couch, it’s bad for his back!

Martin O’Malley
marty
Martin O’Malley is a person, who happens to be running for president.  I think he’s real.  Citation needed.


 

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They’ve already won.

This cycle’s presidential primaries are probably the most compelling since I’ve been alive.


 

bernie
bern = felt.

Bernie Sanders has changed the game.  While he still lags in many polls and projections, and he still claims the “socialist” label that will likely keep confidence in his ability to win a general election tepid, his impact on the race has been felt already.

In a way, Sanders has already won.  Even if he loses in the primary or the general election, his views and arguments have now been projected into the mainstream.  Hillary has been forced to entertain or outright co-opt a number of views that many progressives would have only dared to dream would be spoken of on television, radio, Twitter, and countless other media outlets.

Even if he doesn’t win, Bernie Sanders has made an indelible mark on American politics.


 

trump
it’s gotta be the hair.

Donald Trump has changed the game.  While many pollsters and experts predict his eventual loss in the primaries, and he still claims the “straight-shooter” label that has served him well so far but will likely be his undoing, his impact on the race has been felt already.

In a way, Trump has already won.  Even if he loses in the primary or the general election, his views and arguments have now been projected into the mainstream.  Other Republicans have been forced to entertain or outright co-opt a number of views that many closeted racists and xenophobes would have only dared to dream would be spoken of on television, radio, Twitter, and countless other media outlets.

Even if he doesn’t win, Donald Trump has made an indelible mark on American politics.